When my anger issues were getting particularly bad, my wife and I sat down and did some research. Going through several websites about parenting and anger, we compiled a list of alternatives to anger, and it is stuck right to our fridge as a constant reminder. They have helped me to repair my "rational road" little by little. I still have the anger, but I am doing much better about catching myself before I yell or lash out whenever one of the boys gets on my nerves (which is pretty much a constant in our house...). I would like to share our list with you, and hopefully it may help you, too!
- Have a secret "NO" code - Sit down with your kid and come up with some kind of silent, subtle signal that they are crossing the line into bad behavior, and that the action should be stopped immediately. This is a good way to keep control in public places, both for you, and your kid (who needs to learn acceptable and unacceptable behavior in public).
- Correct the behavior, don't struggle for power - This is where many parenting problems may arise. Instead of correcting the problem, any angry parent may just try to assert their dominance and only address what was just done. The kids, at that point, are just getting yelled at, and not learning to correct the behavior effectively.
- Allow for fantasy and imagination - Most people don't have the level of imagination that children have as adults. They can find a ball of string and have an adventure. An angry, already annoyed PTSD parent, however, may not see it as imagination, but just as a child being annoying and getting in the way. It is important to keep the kids in line, but, at the same time, allow them to explore their creativity. If it is getting on your nerves, just ask them to move it to another location.
- Give more praise than punishment - This is important for their self-esteem, and a reward (even just a kind word or two) is much preferred by your kid than just getting yelled at and sent to their room. A big one I like to praise is them performing a corrected action on their own, without prompting. This, to me, shows that they are actually listening to us (for once!).
- Have a talk with your kids - If your kids are a little older, explain to them, in a way that they can understand, what is going on with you. It may help them understand why you are quick to get angry, and may help to curb their behaviors. This also may help to make them feel a little bit better, as many children may see getting in trouble all the time as their fault. Tell them that because your are "sick" in a way, that they need to work hard to help out. My son loves to make things "his job", so this might be effective.
- Time outs (for everyone!) - Time outs are much preferred to physical punishment. This isn't like the old days, when our parents may have smacked us upside the head if we did something stupid. Time outs, though cliché, work well...but only if used sparingly. Too much, and it is just a small period of time they have to wait before resuming their activities. Make sure not to have a whole bunch of toys in their time out location, as well, as it would just be sending them to play with something else. But time outs should be for everyone! When your child is sent to time out, you should take one as well. Take some deep breaths and let the anger fade. They are just kids. Letting the anger seethe will help no one. Time outs should be to calm the child down, if they were hyper, and not specifically to punish. Once the child is calm, the time out should be over. (If they have a freak out because you put them in their room, calmly explain that they will not be let out until they calm down. It may take a while, especially with the little ones, but they eventually will realize that the screaming and crying will not get them out any faster.)
- Lectures are unnecessary - I have issues with this one. Yes, I will try to correct the behavior, by telling them what is wrong with what they did, but I tend to lecture. I go into tirades that explain it, well, way too much, and instead of allowing me to calm down, it only snowballs and gets me even more spun up. I am working hard to curb this. And I have also noticed that children sort of zone out after getting yelled at for a bit, á là Charlie Brown's teacher. Keep it short, to the point, and in words they understand. That way, they don't lose interest and just tune you out.
- Find out why they misbehaved - This may be a key to stopping the behavior. They may believe they are doing something perfectly OK. If they didn't know it was bad, why would they have thought not to do it? This way, you can correct the behaviors, instead of just yelling at them. Also, having them explain it helps them get in the habit of analyzing what they do before they do it, thereby potentially curbing future transgressions.
- Did they really do something wrong, or are you just out of patience? - This may come when children are constantly getting on your nerves in a small amount of time. After a while, pretty much anything they do will seem to grate on your nerves, and you may lash out without even thinking about it. If you are having to address problems more than once in a couple minutes, be sure to take a few deep breaths yourself.
- Redirect them - One of the best ways, I have found, to curb bad behavior, is to redirect their attention. Ask them to help you out with tasks, or give them a game or something that you know will keep their attention for a bit. This way, you get a breather, and the kids may be so focused on what they were doing that they forget all about their previous mischief.
- Rephrase your No - I have read, on more than one occasion, that kids can get used to the sound of you constantly saying No, to the point of it just becoming background noise, and they continue their behavior until being yelled at (the huge change in volume breaks the spell). Try alternatives to No. If your 3 year old is picking up day old food that missed your eye, instead of just saying No, tell the child, "Dirty! Will make you sick!" This way you are not just prohibiting the action, but giving a cogent reason why. A parenting adage that I have found goes: The less "no's", the better the day goes!
- Give them choices to control their own behavior - Instead of just pinning that knee-jerk No on them, just let them know that, if they continue their behavior, consequences will result. This makes them stop and think about what they are doing, allowing them to realize the cause and effect and make their own decision to stop. This not only usually stops the behavior, but causes them to, again, analyze the situation before just jumping into an action. This is only effective, however, if you follow through with the punishment, if they make the choice to ignore you and continue the behavior.
- Yelling makes them wait for a yelling response - Simple as that. I have seen this with my own eyes. It gets to a point where it seems you can only get to them if you screaming. I have seen them be requested to do something, like get up to bed, and just sit and stare at me until I yell at them to get moving. Yelling should be a very last resort thing. Stop your kids from becoming adrenaline junkies.
- Ignore tantrums - Simple as that. If this goes too far, your kid may start throwing fake tantrums for everything. Let your kid know that they will not get attention if they act like this, and it should stop pretty quickly.
- Allow for a redo - This is especially good if your kid starts having an attitude or mouthing off. "Would you like to try saying that again?" This helps to get them in the habit of thinking carefully of what they say to authority figures, and lets them know immediately that they did something wrong, and should correct their behavior.
- Finally, this is NORMAL!! - Kids are kids. They have boundless energy and are generally hyper. Period. Not everything they do is just to get on your nerves. Allow some room for leeway. If they are stuck in the house on a rainy day, they have energy to expend. If they are being hyper in they the living room, but not smashing anything or hurting anyone, let them have some freedom before you jump on them. You want to be seen as a parent, not a dictator.
